Placement: Saying Goodbye

Each adoption plan varies from the next but regardless of which type of adoption you’ve entered into, you should have ample opportunity to spend time with your baby before placing him/her into the arms of the adoptive parents. Different situations apply to different birthparents who, at the time of placement ,choose various ways to say goodbye.

If you are placing in an open adoption, this is something that you should discuss with the adopting parents beforehand.

Here are some ideas:

Consider not saying goodbye at the hospital. Because of the physical strain you’ve been under and the changes going on in your body, this time may not be the best. You will want to be rested and feeling better before you embark on such a life-lasting memory. Carrying your baby out of the hospital is recommended, and then placing your baby into the arms of its new parents is a start. But you may want to request one more meeting after that in order to say your final goodbye.

Invite those closest to you to attend your final meeting with your baby. Most meetings like this will take place inside the agency or attorney’s office. While you will have greater things on your mind, consider asking one of your family or friends to video tape this meeting. While this memory will be imprinted on your heart forever, it will be hazy for years to come as the emotional toll it takes will often repress itself. Having a video of these last moments will be a treasure for you when your recovery becomes difficult.

Most birthmothers do not receive baby showers. Giving birth, for us and our families, does not "feel" like a celebration due to the sorrow of loss. However, the emotions you will be feeling should be honored and nurtured during this time. This is a time when you should be given loving attention and careful nurturing. To be able to express the feelings you will be going through will be a very important step towards your recovery and will also create precious memories for you to hold onto. There is no reason why you should not be given a baby shower. If you are entering into an open adoption this should be possible. Speak with your caseworker, your family, and the adopting parents. Let them know that you and those closest to your baby would like to hold a ceremony. Choose a time, even if it’s at the agency, when your loved ones and friends can come and join you and your baby. Have each of them bring something special to give your baby, and also perhaps a special gift for you, to honor your birthmother-hood. Ask your mother or closest friend to handle the invitations and to inform those you’d like to attend about what the ceremony will be like. That while this is a time of mourning, it is also a time of celebrating the life of your child and the future you have chosen to give him/her. Allow everyone to hold your baby, to read a letter or poetry, to give a special blessing, etc. At the end of the ceremony, take your baby into a separate room where the two of you can be alone. Spend as much time as you need saying your final goodbye. When it is over, leaving with your loved ones and the precious things they’ve given to you will make your last moments with your baby an eternal treasure.

Some birthparents and adoptive parents choose to hold Placement Ceremonies. Utilizing a Pastor, Priest, or someone they trust, they enter into a ceremony in which your baby is placed into the arms of his/her adoptive parents. Passed from your arms to theirs, while the mediator reads from the Bible, or whatever chosen material you have all agreed upon, your baby is ceremoniously placed. During this time all of you will be able to give blessings, read letters, or use this opportunity to share whatever you feel led to. Ceremonies such as this are wonderful as they give a sense of closure for both you and the adoptive parents. You will feel as though you’ve followed through with your decision and seen your baby into his/her new life with care and love.

You may feel that being alone during this time, just your baby and you, is the best. Talk with the agency and the adoptive parents about this and ask if it would be possible. Perhaps you could play your favorite music, sing lullabys, or even spend a few hours lying next to your baby on the floor simply whispering all your hopes and dreams - whatever you choose to do during this most intimate time with your precious baby.

However you choose to say your last goodbye, remember some very important things:

It will be extremely emotional, and so it is wise to capture it on video or have someone taking pictures as you may not be able to recall the event yourself for some time.

This is your time. Make it very clear to everyone involved, including the agency facilitators, attorney, and adopting parents, that during this time your needs and wishes must be respected and honored.

Prepare yourself for this time by writing about it before hand. Put together a journal of your thoughts, how you feel about the time coming and those things you’d like to say and give to your baby. You will get one chance to do this, and even though your plans may not unfold exactly as you’ve written them, being prepared for the time will help immensely.

Allow yourself to express whatever emotions you are feeling at the time.

If you are considering not "formally" saying good-bye because you feel it may be too difficult, consider talking with your counselor or other birthmothers before making your final decision. Many birthmothers have said that after given the opportunity to say goodbye, they were able to fully grieve and begin to heal. Without having any kind of closure, it is difficult to experience the crucial emotions necessary to recover from loss.