Meeting Hopeful Adoptive Parents

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After you have sorted through various profiles, narrowing down your search to a handful of possible adoptive parents, now is the time that many families, both birth and adoptive, speak of the nerves setting in: the time has come to meet! While many expectant parents worry about their first impression, it should be a comfort to know that adoptive families are worrying about the same things. Try to keep your worries about your hair or how you look in your pregnancy top to a minimum and, instead, focus on the bigger things; the things that are the basis for initiating this meeting.

The initial meeting can take place in a number of ways and settings. Some families have not yet spoken on the phone with one another, having only communicated through the middle man of an agency or attorney. So this first in-person meeting will legitimately be their first impression. Others have spoken on the phone so they are now putting a face with a voice. Sometimes the attorney or a representative from the agency, such as the social worker representing one or both sides, will be present. At other times, potential adoptive couples and expectant parents are left solely on their own in this first meeting. It may be helpful to have a third party present to help the conversation along should it lull and to direct the questions and answers for those who haven't yet been through the process to know pertinent questions to ask.

So, what are the pertinent questions? Quite similar to the things you were keeping in mind as you made your way through the family profiles, only now you have the chance to verbalize these questions, hear the answers and get a feel for how the family really stands on these issues as dictated by their readiness or hesitation to answer, tone of voice, body language and other non-verbal cues. While you may know a lot about them from their profile, now is the time to let them know why you have chosen to meet with them and what is most important to you concerning their profile. For example, if you chose to meet with them because their profile stated that they were of a specific religion but when you ask, you find out that they are converting to another, now is the time to make your desires known.

In case your mind goes blank during the meeting, here are a list of simple questions to keep in mind during the initial meeting. Writing them down on a piece of paper and taking it with you could ensure that your mind won't go totally blank on scene!

• How long has the couple been married?
• Does the couple have children already? Birth? Adopted? Ages?
• Why is the couple looking to adopt?
• What kind of life do they lead right now? What kind of recreation or hobbies do they enjoy?
• What are the couple's values? Do they have strong religious beliefs?
• What ages are the husband and wife?
• Will both parents work or will one stay home with the baby?
• What is the couple's view on disciplining a child?
• Do the husband and wife have extended families?
• How do their families feel about adoption?
• How will the child be taught about his/her adoption?
• What degree of openness are they seeking? Are visits possible?

Other questions will come to you as the conversation progresses. Don't be afraid to ask questions that seem blunt. It has been said that you should avoid certain subjects during a first meeting. However, if it is of vital importance to you to know about a certain topic, do not hesitate to respectfully ask a question.

• agreeing to anything that is over and above what you are prepared to participate in;
• agreeing to anything that is far below what you have decided is appropriate for your situation;
• forcing the conversation when it is uncomfortable or just "not there";
• bringing along people who aren't directly affected by the decision without warning the other party first.

It has been said that you should avoid certain subjects during a first meeting. However, if it is of vital importance to you to know about a certain topic, do not hesitate to respectfully ask a question. Furthermore, if you need a support person who is not directly affected by the adoption decision, such as a friend, simply inform the family that you will be bringing someone with you. Explain who they are and why they are going to be coming. For expectant parents with no familial support, sometimes the only support they can find is in that of friends. Be sure to educate your friend as to the ins and outs of the importance of this meeting and go over any pertinent information ahead of time. Be sure to let your friend know that you need to do the majority of the talking but ask if they would keep mental notes of anything that sticks out as important or vital to the decision. (That list of things can also be used for the other expectant parent or family members in attendance at the first meeting!)

Before you head off to your first meeting, while you are sitting there talking and after you return home, one thing needs to be prominent in your mind: you are not under any obligation to place with a family just because you met with them! In fact, meeting with more than one family can solidify your decisions one way or the other, whether it be to place with one specific family or not to place at all. These first meetings are not a contract between two parties. They are established to help the expectant parent make decisions on what will be best for the child and, if adoption falls into that idea, which set of parents would be best suited for that option. If you feel that a family you have met with is not appropriate, it might be easiest to have your social worker, agency representative or attorney inform the family that you have not chosen them to parent your child. If you feel comfortable doing it on your own, or if that is your only option, do so in a calm and respectful manner.

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